The challenge is finding a way to be alright, a way to see the sun again even when your whole world is covered by clouds. Its never easy and requires you to make changes that may not be comfortable. I know because I am struggling to keep my mind on right. I’m afraid of change, I’m afraid to walk away from my relationship, I’m afraid to lose time with my kids. I’m so afraid of being alone. So many times I sit here going back and forth about leaving and each time its the same thing. I wake up in my bed again next to a women I’m not sure loves me anymore despite her assurance that’s not the case. I so many times have just packed up cloths just to unpack them and let my broken heart do the thinking for me, when I know in my mind my brain is calling the right play. Ill never leave, ill beat myself to death about it. I’m not suicidal, but I’m so unsure of anything that I replay over and over how this world and the people in it would react. Let me tell you, me dying leaves nothing to smile about. I just wish I could get my head on straight and remember who I am, remember who I use to be. I have become someone I don’t recognize and to be honest a puss. I use to take life by the balls and do as I wanted. But I became something my wife wanted just to watch her fuck around with someone else. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I’m worth anything. I know I could give someone the world. I may not be the best looking but I pay attention, I listen and I bend all the way backwards for someone I am with. I know all the shit I have to offer will make someone happy and I wont be alone forever. But I’m still terrified of change, I’m terrified of being alone, or never finding something that I can call mine without worrying about being cheated on. I don’t want to look stupid. I want someone to make it completely clear where I stand. I don’t want to be a option, I want to be the only choice.
In my mind, in my heart and even in my gut. I feel the anxiety as it builds. I am fine one minute and the next I cant breath, I cant think about anything but what’s wrong with my life and all the decisions I need to make. I’m held back by the fear of the consequences on my actions and how they can affect me and the people I love. I look for ways to cope and the only way to drown my anxiety is to be angry, I always revert back to anger. I don’t mean the kind of anger where I’m looking for a fight I mean the kind of anger that makes me not care. It don’t last of course because I have a very loving personality and I always think about the people I love, about the bad things and good that they have done to me. I have recently been cheated on and it one of the only things that I can think of. Unless I’m angry and convince myself that I don’t care, even though I do by so much. My mind is my worst enemy, I always assume the worst in people because the one person who I believed would never let me down let me down. I’m still trying to figure out how to recover from that, how to trust again, how to love again. I mean I love my wife but I don’t trust her. I don’t trust that she’s not out talking to this guy, texting this guy. I mean she works with him so how am I suppose to feel? Should I just take her work, her apology and let it go? Trust her again? I just want this feeling of helplines to go away. I need to find strength either to move on or heal. I just want to be alright.
So here I am, just another day stuck in place wishing things could change. I see the change I need and I feel it in my gut. But I’m a coward, I’m afraid to do what I believe I need to do. There are 3 reasons why, my children. I sit here and I know I need to leave in order to get my head on straight but those babies are my life. They give me more happiness then anything else in my life. So I stay and stick it out. I continue to convince myself that if I stay things will get better because when she is around things are better, but when she’s not, my anxiety crushes me. Its my fault though that I’m in this situation, if I just left it would be hard in the beginning but maybe get better eventually. Most of my unhappiness stems from my relationship but almost a decade in I don’t want to start over. I’m afraid ill end up alone. I’m not a bad looking man by all means but I’m broken inside and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone to tell me the truth. I have been lied to for so long and knew I was being lied to that its just programed in my brain now that relationships are fake, I believe in my heart that everyone cheats, everyone lies and I just don’t believe in love anymore. When some one says “I love you” I just brush it off and instantly think to myself, “ya, sure you do”. So I sit here in my mind 24 hours a day pretending like I believe in something that’s eventually going to destroy whatever is left of me just because I love someone I’m not sure loves me back. We both know that if we didn’t have kids we would most likely not be together, so why is it so hard to say goodbye? why do I 100 percent love her with all my heart even though I don’t think she really loves me. Why am I so afraid to meet new people and move on. IM tired of feeling like my life is being lived just to get by. I want to live, I want to succeed and I want to stop feeling like I’m a prisoner in my own life. I want to take charge again and do what makes me happy. I want someone who is going to come home and be excited to see me, to make love to me. I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden. I want to feel loved, real love again not this washed up version of it. I want someone to love me like I’m the last person on this world they cant afford to lose.
What is left once the trust is gone, once you see your partner with someone else. Once that becomes the image you see when you look at your significant other. I find myself faltering more and more, I have noticed that I am sporadic. One minute I’m happy, the next I’m fucked up. I don’t know who to turn to because I was asked to keep it to myself so no one would look at them differently. But how do you hold in such pain, its damaging to my mental health. I am lost in the thought of them with someone else and I am not allowed to open up about it. So it sits inside my head and tears me from the inside out. They call for me to just let it go and be normal, I don’t know how you can be normal after something like this. Your always going to wonder why, like what’s the real reason why? What did I do to deserve such a shitty thing to happen. So I sit back and hear the excuses pile in and the only thing that’s a constant is that its my fault. So now I beat myself up over it and tell myself that I’m the reason my significant other cheated. I’m the cause of my own torment.
Have you every felt so alone but surrounded by people. Struggling with anxiety and depression I find can put a huge strain on your life and the loved ones around you. Some times its so bad that you find yourself isolating from the people around you. Its like your in the room but you cant hear anyone, it feel as though no one even notices your there. You start to feel the warmth from your anxiety making you uncomfortable, then the thoughts begin to pile in. One bad thought on top of another bad thought. Until you cant take it any more and find the exit. You leave the room looking for some sort of relief from the pain, frustration and horrible feeling in your body. You so badly want someone to come and rescue you but no one does, and if they do? You use the normal “I’m fine” even though your dying inside. We have all been here and some of is suffer daily from this with no one to turn to. That’s why I’m doing this. IM tired of feeling like I’m alone, IM tired of reliving all the trauma I have been through alone. I know I need help, I know I need someone to talk to. Someone to get the demons out in the open and stare them in the face. To scream at the top of my longs, NOT TODAY!