So here I am, just another day stuck in place wishing things could change. I see the change I need and I feel it in my gut. But I’m a coward, I’m afraid to do what I believe I need to do. There are 3 reasons why, my children. I sit here and I know I need to leave in order to get my head on straight but those babies are my life. They give me more happiness then anything else in my life. So I stay and stick it out. I continue to convince myself that if I stay things will get better because when she is around things are better, but when she’s not, my anxiety crushes me. Its my fault though that I’m in this situation, if I just left it would be hard in the beginning but maybe get better eventually. Most of my unhappiness stems from my relationship but almost a decade in I don’t want to start over. I’m afraid ill end up alone. I’m not a bad looking man by all means but I’m broken inside and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone to tell me the truth. I have been lied to for so long and knew I was being lied to that its just programed in my brain now that relationships are fake, I believe in my heart that everyone cheats, everyone lies and I just don’t believe in love anymore. When some one says “I love you” I just brush it off and instantly think to myself, “ya, sure you do”. So I sit here in my mind 24 hours a day pretending like I believe in something that’s eventually going to destroy whatever is left of me just because I love someone I’m not sure loves me back.  We both know that if we didn’t have kids we would most likely not be together, so why is it so hard to say goodbye? why do I 100 percent love her with all my heart even though I don’t think she really loves me. Why am I so afraid to meet new people and move on. IM tired of feeling like my life is being lived just to get by. I want to live, I want to succeed and I want to stop feeling like I’m a prisoner in my own life. I want to take charge again and do what makes me happy. I want someone who is going to come home and be excited to see me, to make love to me. I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden. I want to feel loved, real love again not this washed up version of it. I want someone to love me like I’m the last person on this world they cant afford to lose.

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